Welcome back to The Pulse, where we ask the big questions, like where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?
We'll start with the disturbing news that former Australian Idol winner, Casey Donovan, was attacked in a Sydney nightclub. The attack was described as 'unprovoked' although recent evidence has emerged that Donovan was in fact singing along to the songs being played by the DJ. That incited two males to punch Donovan, who crashed to the floor harder than the US stock market. The only injury she suffered, luckily, was a broken hand sustained when she punched one of her attackers in what has been described as the biggest hit of her career.
However the oddest thing about this story is the fact that Donovan is most upset about losing a personal item in the fracas, namely a fob watch. Whuh? Who under the age of 80 even owns a fob watch, let alone takes one clubbing? Luckily she didn't lose her monocle or driving gloves otherwise she would have been really upset. Maybe next time she wants to have a big night she should just stay home and listen to her gramophone.
Sharon Stone's custody battle with former husband Phil Bronstein has exposed her outrageous overreactions to medical conditions suffered by her son. One instance of her medical melodrama included diagnosing her son, Roan, with a spinal condition in what was later revealed to be back pain brought on by constipation. I guess she thought her résumé said "got the top mark in medical school" and not "got my kit off in Basic Instinct".
Even more bizarrely Stone suggested Roan, who is 8 years old, have his feet injected with botox to cure his foot odour problems. Based on that suggestion Stone must have had a severe case of face odour since her mid 30s. It has since been discovered that she also wanted her son to undergo liposuction to cure an itchy bottom and get breast implants for a bout of hiccups. D cups if he started to cough.
In another case of extreme overreaction, a crack team of police officers from northern Wales made headlines this week for using a taser stun gun to subdue a sheep. The sheep caused a traffic jam when it escaped from a nearby field and blocked a road. The police's solution was to zap the sheep with a taser and move it off the road where it continued to convulse for some time, upsetting several locals watching on and causing the other not so nice locals to crack up laughing.
Police defended their actions by saying that the sheep was a member of a local farm gang and had a dubious bulge under its wool believed to have been a firearm. The rest of the flock has since been arrested on suspicion of links to the Al-Qaeda network.
The disturbing trend of unnecessary force seems to have spread throughout the other emergency services in Wales. Welsh fire-fighters have used a rocket launcher to get a cat out of a tree and Welsh ambulance officers used a German Leopard 2 A6M armoured tank to inject a patient with an IV drip.
Finally in other animal news, due to complaints from parents, the Adelaide Zoo has had to cancel an ad campaign offering "free Zoo entry to all rangas" during the school holidays. For those unfamiliar with the term, a 'ranga' is slang for a redhead, also known as a 'carrot top', 'bloodnut', 'ginger ninja', 'duracel', 'ginga' or as Paris famously called Lindsay Lo-Ho, a 'fire crotch'.
The promotion started as a way to highlight the plight of orang-utangs who are dying out, much like redheads who themselves now comprise less than 2 percent of the population. Apparently this is due to the redhead gene being bred out to brunettes and blondes, which is surprising because I didn't think anyone bred with redheads. If only that was also the case with the gene responsible for making people want to sing country music.
The zoo's director of conservation said that despite the ad being pulled, the promotion will continue. He also said that dyed red hair will qualify for free entry and zoo staff will not seek proof that patrons are natural redheads. Probably because seeking proof would see them getting into a whole lot more trouble than the ads did.
Due to the controversy it has also been revealed that the Adelaide Zoo has cancelled their other planned promotion called 'Elephant Week' as they didn't want any more negative press. That and they heard Casey Donovan was too busy looking for her fob watch.
See you next week pulsers.
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